Hello all, this is a story my lovely friend wanted to talk about but she didn’t know where to go or where to put it. She very kindly messaged me and I told her she could write annonymously on my blog. Again, she’ll stay anonymous & I hope this helps people realise they’re not alone if they’re going through this same situation. I’m so proud of her and so proud to call her my friend. xx
So I woke up around 10AM this morning, 28th December. Pounding headache, eyes were still swollen from the night before, bad headache and feeling sick and empty.
My first thought was ‘wow, that was a crazy dream’ and I came to the realisation that I’m in a relationship with a narcissist.
It all goes back to around 7-8 months ago where I was in a rocky relationship and I had to end it due to the other person being unfaithful.
It was horrible, I felt lost and so alone and was staying at a friends because I didn’t want to lie in my own bed. If I was alone in my own bed, that was the best place to reflect and blame myself for my ex’s actions.
Just as I felt like life was looking up, I met a guy. I would hang round with him and get to know him. I was still broken from my previous relationship and was scared. The new guy was so understanding and was very patient with me, I felt fuzzy and got butterflies whenever he was mentioned.
Things then progressed and we were eventually seeing each other, it was great! If I felt down, he was there to bring me back up. If I was scared and confused, he would reassure me. If I was close to tears, he would hold me and stroke my hair and make me feel like everything would be okay.
We would go out places together, for meals, walks, he would hold my hand. I felt invincible and things were great for around 3 months.
I then started realising things that seemed a bit ‘off’. He would tell me I was being clingy if i asked why he hadn’t text me in the day, if I was hungry, he told me once ‘you shouldn’t be hungry’ and then came upstairs with food for himself. He became very distant and whenever I questioned him about his distant behaviour, he would blame me and say I that I was overreacting and that I’m being silly. So I would start to question myself by thinking that maybe I am being silly. I’d come back to reality and say to myself “no, I’m not being silly” because most people in relationships would feel the exact same way that I did.
If I felt down, it didn’t matter because he would always turn the situation around and make me feel bad for him. If I was scared, he would tell me I was being silly again. If I was crying, he would sit there and let me cry and turn his back on me.
He stopped taking me out to places and I was usually the one to ask “when are we going to go out” and he usually said “I don’t have any money” but then buy things for himself. I thought I was being unreasonable by asking when I was going to make memories with my boyfriend. It felt like I was hassling him to walk me to the bus stop on the way home. And when he did walk me to the bus stop to “shut me up” I would be so grateful and Just that walk to the bus stop, would make my week.
I remember we had an argument where I was in college and I had a 3 hour break and at the time, my nan was very poorly and had to have an operation on her heart to save her life, I needed the support so I asked my boyfriend if he could come up to my college to see me for an hour or so but he always made excuses like ‘I need to do the washing’ which in reality only takes 5 minutes to put in the machine. I felt worthless. Whenever I’d ask him to come see me, there would be an excuse, not reasonable excuses too, they would all be stupid.
I remember asking myself ‘who is this person and why have things changed’ and most of all asking myself what have I done, because I must of done something wrong to be treat like this.
I can’t exactly remember the argument we had before we broke up, but I know it was because I was asking him to be a better boyfriend and put in the same amount of effort that I was putting in, and of course we ended up having a massive argument and I got my things from his house and left.
Two weeks went by with barely any contact. I went to my friends house to have a good night and he called with the excuse that he had heard a rumour about me (which obviously wasn’t true). At first he was acting like I should say sorry for this rumour but then he turned to say he missed me and he wanted to try again. He sweet talked me and told me that it would be better and that he wouldn’t hurt me again and that he would do everything he could to fix what he had broken and despite everyone telling me not to go back, I gave in and did.
He acted emotional and seemed genuinely sorry towards me. And everything was great for about 2 weeks. Until he started snapping again and not putting in the same effort that I was putting in. I’d let him get away with it and we would carry on as ‘normal’.
Now this part is more recent and we must of had at least 10 arguments in the past two weeks.
I’m starting to realise now that I’m better than this. I don’t need someone that puts me down, that acts mad for me wanting to make conversation with them, that calls me immature when I voice my concerns, that tells me that they aren’t coming to my house to just ‘sit around then leave’, someone that degrades me, someone that makes me doubt myself, someone that lies,someone that let’s me down over and over again, someone that tells me I am the reason they act like that towards me. I know I’m 100% better than that.
I’m collecting the strength to finally say enough is enough, and break free from this person who thinks I’d have nothing without them.
I’m also ready to find myself again and to feel worth it.