Hello everyone welcome back to my “new” blog. I say “blog” because my dad has helped me convert this site to a self hosted site. I am now abisays.co.uk and I’m very happy to be back blogging.
Tonight’s post is however going to be a little serious than normal.
The past few weeks with college and anxiety have been absolute hell and extremely hard for me to cope with and there have been many times in the past two weeks where I’ve had to try so hard to stop myself from breaking down in college around my friends. I’m terrified of having an attack in college and I had one on the first day back which was hard for me to cope with because I basically had a teacher shouting at me in front of a whole class but I won’t say anymore to avoid me getting into trouble.
Since then it has purely been a case of me having to keep everything in and try to control my anxiousness and nervous state and conceal it from fellow classmates.
Something which does bug me however, is people who misuse the term of being anxious. I don’t think people understand being anxious isn’t just being nervous. It’s a whole bunch of things on top of that altogether.
When I’m anxious, my chest becomes extremely tight incredibly fast and it feels like someone has their hands squishing my lungs as hard as they can. I shake uncontrollably and can’t concentrate on my breathing. I get a sharp pain in my chest too just under the rib cage and I become dizzy and my palms get clammy and yes, I do feel nervous but I don’t know why.
The thing is with my anxiety, I could be quite happy one minute and the next I’m having an attack for no reason at all even if I have absolutely nothing to be anxious about. I can’t control myself at all in this state. I have to let it ease and no matter what people offer me, nothing works. The only thing I can do is try and get my breathing back to normality and try and cope on my own.
I know some of you are probably wondering why I don’t go and find someone when I’m feeling anxious in college or when I’m in class. That it’s purely because I can’t get up and leave because I feel like I’m attention seeking and that is the last thing I want. I don’t want people coming to me after I come back in and pestering me about why I got up and left. I’m physically scared to get up, tell the teacher I’m anxious and feel an attack coming and go. I have to sit there in the state I’m in and control it the very best I possibly can which is of course absolutely ridiculous and something I need to sort out and try and get over.
In college I have been offered counselling about three times and this final time I decided to take it on. I believe college can help me get over this horrid state I am when I’m anxious much better than what they could in high school (another post coming on that soon). I’ll update on how I’m feeling very soon but for now this has been the constant me at least once every day since going back to college.
Sorry to end on such a shaky note, I hope this post has helped some people understand what anxiety attacks really feel like. If you ever need any help or advice at all please please don’t fret from sending me an email- firstname.lastname@example.org or inboxing me on Twitter or Instagram which address both @abim0ss.
I’ll speak to you all soon.
Next time you think you’re anxious or tell someone you’re anxious please please consider what I’ve said in this post – because even I can’t get up and tell anyone I’m feeling anxious when I am.